What is The Gottman Method?

Dr John Gottman

The Gottman Method incorporates a research-based intervention formed around the Sound Relationship House theory. So what is this?Well, it is seven principles ‘floors’ tied together with overarching concept ‘walls’ of trust and commitment. So, lets take a deeper dive.

Dr Gottman based his concept on the idea that marriage can be like a securely built house. Where it can have many levels of strength and is held together by two core values of trust and commitment. When embarking on the method of Gottman couples can expect to increase intimacy, respect and affection. They will be asked to remove barriers and disarm conflicting verbal communication. By doing this couples will be able to see each other through a lens of empathy and understanding in the context of their relationship.

Really, when it boils down to it, a relationship is two individuals with their own aspirations, dreams and values who are bumbling along together trying to amalgamate themselves to each other. There is always bound to be ebbs and flows. But what is key is; how do you as a couple respond to these ebbs and flows and do they make or break you.

Let’s start at the bottom,

Floor 1: Building Love Maps. This is really about knowing your partner. What is important to them in their inner world? Did they have a happy childhood? Who else do they hold important relationships with? What helps them when they are feeling down and out? You might laugh when your bridesmaid brings out that awful quiz at your hens party ‘How well do you know your future husband?’ but there is method in the madness because this is the foundation on which you are going to build the rest of your lives on.

Floor 2: Sharing Fondness and Admiration. Healthy relationships are built on admiration, people need to know why you love them. They shouldn’t be left second guessing. The way you express this can come in may different shapes and forms. Maybe it is through that elongated shared look you have for one another while your kids are tugging at your sleeve ‘but mum it’s my turn to….’ That look that secretly tells the other one I’ve got you we’re in this together. Or maybe it’s because your wife is the best cook you know, and you tell her so. But if you are ever unsure if they got the message. Tell them don’t leave them to second guess.

Floor 3 is about Turning Towards each other. This is where you both build a safe place to communicate. Instead of shying away from difficult conversations you both build a space where you know it is safe for you both to lean on each other when you need one another.

Floor 4 is all about not being nasty. It’s the Positive Perspective. Healthy relationships see the best in each other and place value on this. It’s where you shift your focus on situations. For example, say your partner normally plants a kiss on your forehead whenever they come home from work and says ‘how was your day?’ but instead on this particular day they don’t but instead they come in and start telling you about their day. The positive perspective on this might be that your partner may have had a difficult day and has not intentionally forgotten to ask you about yours but rather they have been preoccupied with their own thoughts for the day.

Floor 5 is about Managing Conflict. This can be the critical space for some couples and if you haven’t built the other floors in your house then conflict can end up unhealthy. But it doesn’t have to be. Remember you are two individuals who have chosen to do life together, there are always going to be areas that you don’t agree on, but you have to work out ways that your conflicts can align and compliment one another. Remind yourself that compromise can happen in a space where you can still uphold your own values, and it is not necessarily about a right or wrong way of doing something. Problems should be discussed through dialogue not acted out through actions- talk it through so you are not trying to guess one another’s next move. And if you feel yourself getting heated take a break,agree to come back to it when you both feel you are safer to do so.

Dream big and dream together.

Floor 6 is Making Life Dreams Come True. Talk about both your wants, dreams and aspirations and encourage one another to achieve your realistic goals. Become a team towards the same shared goals because being invested in one another’s dreams unites you both in being supportive.

The top of the house is Floor 7: Create Shared Meaning. While this is slightly similar to the ground floor of building love maps this is more about understanding your inner world as a couple. As a couple we create our own sets of rituals, quirks and language. In this we create an inner world a language that is shared between one another where you are in tune with your partner’s needs.

All of this is built on trust and commitment as the pillars that hold everything together. These are vital in helping a relationship flourish.

The Sound Relationship House

If you want to learn more check out the Gottman Institute: https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/ or if you feel like your relationship could do with a deep dive into the Sound Relationship House, get in touch with Kellie Ward who is an experienced couples therapist practicing in the Gottman Method.